When I cried out to You, Jesus
You made a way for me
I may never be the same man
But I’m a man who still believes
When I cried out to You, Jesus
You were there faithfully
Toby Mac, Faithfully

What on earth are you doing? I’ve asked this question in a million prayers for countless circumstances in my life. Where are you taking me, Jesus? This is not what I had in mind.

I know it’s Christmas and it is all about Emmanuel. And it is. Seriously. Our savior came to earth to live a simple and perfect life for us to return to him clothed in righteousness. Blameless and healed. Remind yourself of this amazing gift every day. I know I forget to in the middle of life doing what life does.

My thoughts today are there, but not. How do we get into the places in this life we do? I hardly feel led there sometimes. More like I tripped and fell into them, landed hard, and busted that not-so-funny, funny bone.

There is purpose in pain and there is purpose in all the places God takes us. Mostly, to remind us that He is God and we are not. That we need Him in the best ways. That He is for us, faithfully. Every. Single. Day. He wants us to rest in it, rely on it, stand up on it, believe in it, and trust in it.

In relationships, at work, with money, in our families, with our chores, and everything in between. God cares about us. He makes a way to safe shores and calm eddys when the water just won’t stop rushing. He holds us by the hand even when we are foolish enough to pull it back.

He reminds us over and over not to be afraid. That He will guide, guard, and protect us. Jesus instructs us not to be anxious about our lives. For even the sparrows and lilies of the fields have all they need. Oh, you of little faith what can you add to your life by worrying? (Matthew 6:25-29, paraphrased and out of order)

I fail so miserably at this. I worry like a rock is hard. Like the relentless pounding of the waves at high tide. It leaves me wondering what on earth the God of all creation could do with me. How does a broken vessel carry water? No clue, but over and over again, that’s who He chooses. I don’t get it but I do. I just don’t think I’ve got what it takes to be broken and used sometimes.

I know we all have those days. “Hey God, don’t you see this HUGE crack in me? Pretty sure I CAN’T carry anything for you”. The reply? Always astonishing and never changing and always, always, filled with the exact reminder we need – Emmanuel. He is with us. There’s Christmas again.

There’s the reason for all the giving, loving, hugging, and joy. God used a manger to present His son. A feed box. Not the Sistine Chapel, not the biggest sanctuary, or the most engaged congregation. It was some cold shepherds, stinky animals, and some gifts from some fellas who showed more faith in their long walk than most of us can muster to get out of bed.

So cry out your needs, offer your broken, give up on your plans, and face the truth. A truth that Casting Crowns (Oh My Soul) reminds us of so well:
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
‘Cause you’re not alone

“Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great Joy. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord” Luke 2:9-10

So go face it, whatever it is. He is with you and He is faithful through your pain, through your joy, in your failure and success. Just don’t forget Him in any of it or think you’re too far from Him to be held and loved. He will make your feet sure. He will provide for you and protect you. He will COME for you. He DID come for you and He has NEVER left you.

Merry Christmas!

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

About time for what seems to have become an annual time of reflection here. Bubba is turning 14 this year! His little sister will be 12 and #3 and #4 will be 9 and 5 later this year.

And… I turn 4-0 this week. Ouch. I don’t like birthdays and this one can get out of town. I’m glad to still be here, but no fuss need be made. I’ll gladly celebrate my kids though :). They are growing up to be smarter and wiser than I think I have the ability to be. I learn so much from their tender hearts and raging curiosity.

Life spins off too fast and as usual I’m not keeping up.

The Psalmist writes these words in Psalm 46 to close out a series of verses that remind us that our refuge and strength are in God and not to fear despite the crumbling world around us.

Reassuring to hear, tough to do. All around really. I’m not great at being still and I’m not great at picking up the subtleties and whispers of God in my life all the time either. Actually, I’ve found that most times it takes a 4×4 to get my attention. Which is rather regrettable and I pray as I get older that God gives me eyes and ears to see and hear what he wants for my life. My plans stink and I forget to let Him lead the way.

As I enter the second half of my life, I have some hopes for what the future holds. Less fear, more victory. Less worry, more love. Less avoidable pain and more life giving memories.

But most importantly, I want to be more present. More present with my kids (our time is limited, there are only so many summers, birthdays, Christmases that we get to spend before they’re grown) and with my wife. I want to be still and hear the sweet voice of Jesus calling me into new life. I want to whether the storms better knowing my saviors is with me.

Life is full of those and we all handle them differently but the one constant we should all remember is that Jesus is calling. Softly and tenderly. He wants the best for our lives. He wants success from failure. But what He desires most is for us is to reflect His love to the world. I’m not sure I’ve been at my best here. I forget far too often what I’m made for.

#3 and I went to Camp McCall last May for daddy/son camp. Amazing. It was inspiring and incredible to see a bunch of dads, uncles, and other male role models playing with their boys while learning more about our walk with Jesus in an incredible setting. I went back with my brother-in-law in the fall for a men’s weekend. We paddled 7mi out on Lake Jocassee to a beautiful series of waterfalls on the river that feeds the lake and played like teenagers.

During both trips, my heart touched to the rock on which my faith was formed. God’s incredible creation that he uses to remind us of the truth of his word. We have to look up, look around, and be in His presence even when we’re in thick of life. We can’t live at camp, but we can recall its lessons and trust in the goodness of the creator who takes our ugly and turns it into something beautiful. But we have to listen for the whisper of our Lord leading us to glory.

Head down as I punch this clock /The hours roll they never stop/And I can’t ever seem to get ahead…. Got me wondering where’s my promised land? TobyMac – Promised Land

First, Bubba turns 13 coming up in March! We’re getting old, and we are so grateful that he is too! I know I wrote last that I would never forget his 11th year and the 12th and 13th won’t be forgotten either but for all kinds of different reasons. Also, I started writing this post about 9 months ago (cringe worthy for sure).

Seasons come and go and but it seems our struggles sometimes stay the same. A tiring walk for sure. Especially when you need a new perspective. We pursue and pursue but for what? Our benefit and improvement, but is it for the glory of God? Hard to stake my life on that every day.

We still don’t attend church in person anywhere, but we do listen to Chris Spires at First Baptist Murrells Inlet. He has been preaching sermons on family and our purpose to glorify God for the last year. Some of my thoughts here are directly credited to his recent preaching and are my reflection on his words.

Aside, if you need some God inspired truth and Gospel preaching in your life, check him out on Facebook Live or down on the coast. He never ceases to preach truth from the perspective of a sinner and a family man seeking to honor God.

God is our promise and glorifying him is our purpose, no matter our circumstances. The incredible part, when we do, we live a fulfilled life that leads to his infinitely better plan for our lives than anything we could come up with.

I have now changed jobs twice in the last two years. The first time was to ensure I could continue working from home post-covid. The most recent (new job starts next week) was for a better set of circumstances that I hope gives my family more freedom and some choice for Morgan that she so deserves.

I could never have imagined this path and it has not been easy and will continue to have its challenges, I’m sure. It has wrenched out some long held garbage behavior and truth.

This is our promise, God will work in us when we submit to his glory. You read that right. The pain and challenges of life are part of God’s glory. Feel that and know its power in your life. Challenges in life remind us of our dependence of His grace. Our promised land is not here and this is not our home. He will carry through and provide along the way. He will give us rest for our journey.

Friends of ours, James McManus the pastor at Bethel Associate Reformed Presbyterian Church here in Winnsboro, and his wife suggested The Little Pilgrim’s Progress to read with our kids. We do a devotion every night before bed and the last book we were reading ran out back at Christmas, so we’ve started on this book. It’s a great adaptation of the original The Pilgrim’s Progress. Animals instead of people but the same good lessons of forgiveness, perseverance, grace and real joy.

Same aside as above, James is truth preaching pastor, if you’re looking for some of that, check him out and they live stream too.

It is a fantastic illustration of God’s care for all of His children and pilgrims as they journey on towards His kingdom. It portrays this journey in the very real terms of temptation to take what looks like the easy road and the consequences of straying from care of the King.

The thing that has stuck with me between Chris’s sermons and this book with my kids is that we must change and learn constantly. It reminds me of a truth I have long known but probably not taken to heart nearly enough. When we choose Jesus, we choose to let him change us and to pound out the imperfections and sin from our lives until that day we arrive at the gates of eternity.

This life is not guaranteed to be easy because we choose Jesus. But it is promised to end in glory. That is our promised land, that is why our eyes should be fixed upon Him who gives us what we need as we travel.

Tomorrow the reason I write this blog turns 11. That is 11 years since our lives changed forever. That could be said of any parent of any child.

However, for us it changed in ways that you don’t read about in books or hear about from your friends. Unless of course, you’re one of our friends and in that case you most likely have a similar yet very different version of this story. You too have experienced the ridiculous grace that comes from the unexpected path God has placed you on.

11 years. Just over a decade of being parents of special needs and incredible kid. It doesn’t seem like that long when we’re committed to a lifetime of being his voice, his defenders, and his protectors. It does make us feel quite old though. I feel at least ten years older than my age.

Bubba/Bubby/Monkey(here), has changed the way we live our lives in ways that we never expected. He has changed our marriage and bond. He shapes the daily lives of our children. They know him better than we do. They were created for him. I know that’s a bold statement that could carry a good bit a pressure down the road, but they were born knowing their brother’s needs and awesomeness is beyond anything they will ever know or find anywhere else. They also know that there are some things we just can’t do as a family because their brother can’t.

Every night during the last couple of weeks all four of them have been huddling in his bed watching TV with their incredible brother. Even the 16 mo. old. Contently snuggling with each other and being with their brother. We don’t ask them to. They just want to. They fight sometimes over who gets to sit next to him. Our kids are the best of us (and sometimes the worst but often the best).

To be very honest though, after 11 years, sometimes I manage to forget about the miracle that lives in our home. We spend a lot of time taking care of him. Feeding him, bathing him, checking his breathing, taking blind guesses at the cause of his ailments, and trying our best to be ahead of his needs. We think we’re getting better at this, but if you asked him, he could give you a different answer. His parents can be a bit slow.

I forget because I am too focused on things that don’t matter. I get stressed by work or career decisions. I get tangled in the desire for stuff. I get blinded by the daily grind.

This happens to all of us but we can’t afford to forget. Each day must be lived to improve his life. It must be lived in gratitude for another healthy day. This last year has been great because I’ve been able to be home helping take care him and the other kids while working from home. I have experienced my family in a new a glorious way.

I have experienced the daily struggle of the work-from-home balancing act that Morgan has been carrying alone for the last ten years. I have been at home with #4 for all but 3 months of her life. I have been able to feed Bubba every meal of every day. I have been school teacher and cook. It has been amazing. My heart is melted and I will never be the same again.

I don’t know what the future holds but I can promise you that the 11th year of our son’s life will not be one I soon forget. I hope that I never do.

As with every birthday that comes, I am humbly brought to my knees in grateful awe. God has always provided us with a way to care for him. Another year to have His direct presence live in our home through our son. He has chosen us to be his parents for some reason. We are nothing both broken people that God has entrusted with an incredible gift.

Let us not bury our talent (Matt. 25:14-30) but tell you our story and let it multiply.

March 26th is Epilepsy Awareness Day for the world.

Every day is epilepsy awareness day in our house. March is also our son’s birth month. He turned 10 this year. A miracle and a reason for a celebration we have yet to be able to properly have. When he was diagnosed with isolated lissencephaly at 2 we had no idea what our future held and what 10 would look like if we had the privilege of seeing that day.

This Spring, the COVID-19 virus has shut the world down.

This week, Charlotte Figi died of medical complications due to an illness her entire family experienced in Colorado. For those of you who do not know who Charlotte is, she is the inspiration and heart of the medical cannabis movement for children with epilepsy. She is the reason our son has access to the life saving oil of a plant.

While Charlotte and her family did not test positive for COVID-19, this tragic loss has brought a flood of emotions for every parent of a kid with epilepsy.

I’m going to lay this out plainly. Without fluff. I don’t want you to be aware. I want you to feel it. I need you to understand. I do not care about your opinions or political affiliations. Here are some facts.

COVID-19 can cause significant respiratory problems. These are the biggest threat to kids with epilepsy and our son. As kids with epilepsy get sick of any kind, their ability to fight seizures goes way down, then their ability to fight being sick goes down, and so on as long as they don’t get better. People are having to be treated in isolation in hospitals and those who are dying are doing so without their loved ones at hand.

In case I haven’t painted a clear enough picture, here it is. If my son gets this thing, he will have to go to the hospital where he will be treated in isolation. He may not get better. He will continue to have seizures and will could eventually die without me holding him.

Let that sink into to your soul. Don’t let it stay, you probably can’t handle it, but feel it.

These are our thoughts. We try to go about living out life in the crazy world like the rest of you. But ultimately, I don’t care about not being able to go anywhere, not being able see people, not getting to do or go places we love (Disney is closed, for real, they don’t do that). I need you not to care too. I’m begging you to stay home and love on those in your house and FaceTime or whatever it is you do with those who are not. Tell them you love them.

We are people of faith. I’ve said it before but now is the time to say again, our son is on loan to us. We don’t know when he will get called home to a life without pain or seizures with our savior Jesus. But I know that while he is with us, it is our job to protect him and love him.

I don’t mean to lead you to believe that we live in constant fear at our house because we do not. Despite the circumstances and the cost, being home with my family has been a tremendous gift. This is an opportunity we may never have again, especially while our kids are young.

How often have you said I wish I had more time to spend with my family? More time to get a few things checked off the to-do list? More time to spend in God’s word? More time to be an example, play games, talk with, and generally be more and better for your kids?

This is that time. In the midst of the chaos, find comfort and peace in the joy of our Savior who suffered death so that we might join him in eternity, without the pain of this world.

Let this Easter be one you remember always. Let the remembrance of the resurrection of Jesus this year remind you of the power that holds us and of His sovereignty in the middle of this insanity. Remember that when we experience struggle, we get stronger and are reminded to rely on God, not ourselves. Be reminded of hope for something better coming.

Ever had moment in your life where you feel like you’ve arrived? You finally showed up to your own party? All of the struggle and the hard work and the hoping and the praying and the waiting have finally paid off?

We’re there. I feel like, and it’s just a feeling, but I feel like that at least once in this one sided conversation we have, I have said something like, “Something has got to give”.

It gave. Or should I say, God gave and we gave thanks. That is the only way I can describe the last year of our lives.

To re-cap. We sold our house unexpectedly. Moved in with the in-laws. Decided to build a house right next door. Designed and built said house from the ground up with the help of a fantastic set of builder brothers at Magnolia Custom Homes in SC. Moved in two days ahead of Princess’ and Monkey’s birthday party with the fam. Had that. Not to mention that the wife and I changed jobs to much better work environments in the middle of all of this.

We were talking while on vacation at the beach a couple weeks back about the astronomical differences since this time last year and how overwhelming grateful we are.

This life has dealt us a handful of challenges and will no doubt deal us a few more before it is all said and done. But we have survived this round and have done so while constantly being there for each other and watching our kids show us the meaning of unfettered love.

#3 and Princess love their Bubba so much it is ridiculous. They are still siblings, but don’t mess with him and don’t leave him out. #3 and Princess will most certainly exclude each other from their respective playtime activities, but they will both break their back to have their Bubba included.  

Oh and he is still their big brother. Princess sleeps in his bed when there is a thunderstorm or runs to hide beside his wheelchair when a bee chases her.  #3 shares his tractors and trucks every time he can.

Our new house is awesome! But that doesn’t stop the challenges or bad days. Monkey will still have seizures, and as I write this from a hotel while away on business, he is of course in the middle of a seizure cycle.

We are a family of faith, but we still get hung up on stuff and more of it. These moments are fleeting, and we are readily reminded that the stuff is not what makes us happy or a family. It is our love for each other. Morgan and I find the greatest joy in our lives by constantly pursuing what is best for our children. We show them what it looks like to be compassionate, honest, and strong. And when we fail miserably at all three, we show them humility.

We check our ambitious dreams for the future constantly and have learned to readjust to our reality and live in gratitude for all that boring life has given us. We may never have that RV and travel the National Parks or ever fly anywhere again, but we will live in the amazing grace that is the life we have. It is incredible and we are fortunate beyond measure. The only thing left to do is raise some kids that know how good they have it and can live their lives in love.

I speak of lofty goals and a humble life. These do not always come naturally to us. Our lives are not perfect and I would be lying if I were to tell you it is not hard. What I want you to know, is that it is hard, that is difficult, but that is no excuse not put our all into loving our kids so much that there is no question in their minds.

It is not perfect. It will get harder again one day. We will not be ready. But until then, we have arrived. The best part is, we managed to be paying enough attention to know that we did.

Just for the record, we make this stuff up as we go. We have no idea what we’re doing. Not for real.

However, we are quite practiced at this improvisation. Someone once told me in some official capacity, that it takes doing something 40 times for it to become a habit. We hit that mark daily, so it is well ingrained.

With that in mind, we’ve been pushing Monkey around in a variety of jogging strollers for the last several years. He has grown quite a bit in the last year and we recently had the revelation that he might not be so comfortable in these.

I guess we’ve always known that he would need a wheelchair. We’ve just been in denial, because then we would have a kid in a wheelchair and for all that we’ve been through, some things are just harder to accept. So being the parents of the year that we are, we got him one.

He loves it. His brother and sister love it. They take him everywhere. Princess was so excited the first day it was in the house! She said, “Now Bubba can come and play with me wherever I go!”  The love that his brother and sister have for him is a constant reminder to us of God’s love for us.

We are so grateful for this life. It is not easy some days but the good far outweigh the bad.

Most of the time we are genuinely just winging it. Sometimes we get it right and other times we’re a little slower to come around. Fortunately, it is not frequently at the expense of our kids. We find that we are often harder on ourselves than we need to be but at least one of our kid’s daily survival depends on it.

What are you being prepared for? Read that carefully.

It does not say, what are you preparing for. It does ask what you are being prepared for.

When you prepare yourself for something, you usually know what you would like the desired outcome to be. When you are being prepared for something, you may not even know what that something is.

Let me explain. There are our plans for life and then there is God’s plan for our life. We work diligently to prepare for all of what we see in front of us and what we want our lives to look like. When God works through our lives to take us not only where he wants us to be, but where we need to be, preparation can  be a little different than what we might expect.

As we approach Christmas, I think about Mary and Joseph and the huge turn their lives took. They were planning and preparing for their normal lives and ended up with something much different and so much better than they could have imagined. I’m not sure what they went through prior to that first Christmas other than some visits from an angel. But I can promise you that God choose them on purpose and made sure that they were ready for his plans.

One of the first things I think of when I think of how our lives have gone the last eight years is that this is not the life we dreamed of having. But the challenges, joy, and personal growth we have experienced, are all that has made us ready for where we are today.

I think one requirement and the first step in preparing for the life God has in store for you is a reckoning of your relationships. You’ve got to ‘get right’ with yourself, with God, and those in your life. I want to add that, this reckoning does not mean that you will find perfection in all of these relationships. What it does mean is that you have to lay it out there as honestly as you are able. You’ve got to be squared up before you can if you expect to walk straight.

This can be a pretty painful and uncomfortable but the rewards are beyond imagining. I think that in preparation for family life and being parents this can be especially difficult.

When we give up our control, sometimes in large part because life has left us little choice, something pretty incredible can follow. All of that preparation, planned or not, will pay off. The moments and struggles in your life are preparing you for something God has in your future and it is good.

That being said, we are making progress with our next home. Construction started about two weeks ago and we couldn’t be more excited! We should be moving in during the upcoming spring. Monkey is doing awesome and has put on some serious pounds over the last six months. #3 turned two and started acting it about two weeks early. Princess is just getting to be too big and can’t wait until she gets her own room, but is still pretty sure she’ll be sleeping in her Bubba’s room for now.

I hope that you all have a very Merry Christmas! Remember that you are being prepared for something. It will not necessarily be what you imagined but it will be what you need and it will be good and exactly what God has in mind.

Have you ever gotten so trapped in your own thoughts that you cannot see past them to look at the goodness that has come your way? In the dark parts of your brain where all the not so positive thoughts are, you feel like you can’t get out, but it’s because you have your face in the corner of the room? I’m there or have been or something. I’m working on turning around to see a well lit room.

Morgan and I don’t change anything gradually. We tear bandaids off. Charge into a sometimes strong headwind and have faith that it will end as it should. Well things are changing and staying true to form, it’s a lot.

We have sold our house that we have been considering renovating or selling for a better part of the time we have owned it. A couple of last things to take care of but we are set to close soon and therefore we have a lot of packing to do in what feels like a not so long period of time. We couldn’t be more thrilled. A great young couple has bought it and we are glad they will be calling it their’s soon.

There are only a few things to do to make sure we are ready for the next chapter in our home owning lives. Step one: move in with the in-laws. Step two: find some land on which to build a new house that is accessible for Monkey and meets all our quirky needs. Mind you only a handful are due to us being Monkey’s parents. Step three: build house and move in. Three simple steps, right? In the midst of all that, Morgan has to find a new job or we need to become independently wealthy so that we can finish off the list. Her school has closed and so she’s on the job hunt. Hopefully, for another virtual teaching gig.

No pressure. We got this. Been there, done that.

Or not. The last time we had to move and find new jobs we were much younger and had no children, let alone a special needs child.

Now, back to my corner? This is where it gets hard. We get so caught up in all the details of the changing that we forget that this is what we’ve been waiting for.

We have thought about little else in regards to our living situation than the opportunity to build our own home for quite some time. Now, it all just has to keep working out.

The beauty of it all, is that we can do our part, but it’s God and His timing that will do the heavy lifting. It is easy in our moments of greatest transition in life to forget that we have a God that loves us and cares for us so much that he knows everything about us and his plans are perfect. Which are so much better than what we come up with on our own. I have to keep reminding myself, His plans are better than mine. Not so easy when you feel like you’re loosing control, but as I understand it, that is the idea behind surrender.

So, while I feel like we’re hundreds of miles from our destination, we’re much closer than we were and I should probably not forget to enjoy the getting there.